Home Décor 101

As a master craftsman, I have already shown you how to build a couch and the potential pitfalls. For this entry, I would like to share some information on proper Home Décor. See that accent over the “e”? That’s like the difference between an ordinary living room and one that the Queen will visit during her Jubilee. (Note to self; start referring to parties as jubilees). I’d like to help you get that fancy accent mark in your very own home. More specifically, I would like to let you know what the various arrangements say about you. You’re going to want to match your personality with the layout most suited to you style. Let’s start with one of the more common setups:

1. Loveseat and Couch Combo- What you’re really saying with this is “I will lie down here and you can lie way over there away from me”. If you’re lucky enough to have a couch with recliners on the end, never let a child call “shotgun” on one of those seats. Their little legs can barely reach the footrest, it simply isn’t right. This setup is ideal for open living spaces where you’re trying to pretend like you have a separate living room but no one is fooled.

2. Sectional- What you’re saying when you buy a sectional is “I don’t want to think about more than one piece of furniture, can you just mash all my pieces together?” And a master craftsman like me said “of course I will do this for you, you exceedingly lazy person”. And you said “thank you”. Oddly, as large as sectionals are, they’re ideal for odd spaces where you want to maximize seating without taking up too much floor space. One more important note is that there is a HUGE difference between people who have a “U” shaped sectional versus those with an “L” shape. Huge difference.

3. Sofabed- What you’re saying when you buy a sofabed varies; 1. “When you come to my house, you are too dirty to sleep on one of my beds”. 2. “I put my foot in my mouth a lot”. 3. “I don’t want to sit comfortably when it’s a sofa and I definitely don’t want to sleep well when it’s a bed”. For practicality, you can’t beat a sofabed. One of the main reasons I love my pickup truck is because it’s a car AND a dumpster. But I find they’re really only ideal for musty basements that are freezing and humid at the same time.

4. Futon- What you’re saying; “I would be really good at lifting a dead body”. Anyone who has ever taken the time to unfold a futon bed is either the Incredible Hulk or ambitious. A recent study conducted by me just now found that 98% of people who buy futons never unfold it or they’re in college. Unlike sofabeds, futons can actually be comfortable. Also unlike sofabeds, they’re incredibly painstaking to convert to a bed. Ideal for someone who hates themselves and their guests.

5. Loveseat with Two Chairs Combo- Discovered on Wikipedia that in Britain they refer to this as a “Three Piece Suite”. Generally when you buy this you’re saying “please sit on that loveseat while we tell you a story”. For parents who envision having a lot of heart-to-hearts with their child(ren), this is probably the least aggressive layout. Ideal for a second living room, most appropriately arranged in front of a fireplace.

Briefly I will comment on some additional arrangements that may seem foreign to Americans yet remain a viable option…

6. Divan- “I prefer to sit cross-legged and play the sitar”. In other words, I didn’t have the money for a couch so I put this box-spring mattress on the floor and gave it a fancy name. I’m also artsy.

7. Fainting Couch- “I’m very passionate”. Ideal to be set near a window so you can gaze out and ponder all the deep things you think like “why do all my lovers jilt me/ I am so often jilted!”

8. Canape- “I don’t want you to be comfortable, but I want you to know I am wealthy”, Ideal for people who are diabolical and/or have a monocle & tophat.

9. Ottoman- “I wish I was sitting on that couch and didn’t have all these feet on me”. I guess technically this is a piece of furniture you sit on, but usually because you didn’t arrive in time to get a seat on the couch.

10. Chesterfield- “I like to read classic novels by firelight in my den with a pipe and a Labrador at my feet”. Seems like the perfect couch for a snowy evening or Tom Selleck.

11. Chaise Lounge- “I prefer to lounge with my feet hanging off an edge”. Like a fainting couch, this is best situated by a window but instead of deep thinking, it is ideal for taking 3:00 naps on a rainy day.

I hope you found these tips to be helpful and eye-opening. While I am an expert on home décor, I no longer build the furniture myself due to mounting legal costs. In lieu of buying any of these pieces from me, I recommend going to Su Casa. I know I’ll be heading there for my next Chesterfield Ottoman. Until next time, I’m Joe Iskow. Take care.