Brace yourself... here it is.... the very tired couch that has provided a place of rest for us for the last 8 years...
You must be thinking, "well ok Jamie, it's not quite as bad as you have made it sound. I mean, it might not be the most aesthetic piece in your home, but at least it's functional".
Hmmm, but is it? Let's take a closer look see...
Exhibit A.
The Hole.
Courtesy of our Little Demon cat. Cosby hates us. Wait, let me rephrase because to say she hates us implies that she's capable of emotion, but what I've come to find is that Cosby's heart is as black as the deepest abyss of the ocean. We feed her, provide shelter, care for her and she re-pays us by shredding our furniture, choking us with hairballs, leaving vomit around the house, and forgetting to use her bathroom. This hole in our old couch is symbolic of the space in my heart that is now vacant for her. (Editor's note: our tumultuous relationship with Cosby has been exaggerated for the sake of this blog entry)
Exhibit B.
The Gaps.
We had to wash and dry the cushion covers shortly after the baby was born because there was an unbelievable amount of spit up dispersed evenly throughout the entire surface area of the couch. We may or may not have forgotten to consider that certain fabrics can shrink. The end result is a couch full of cushions that look like a chubby guy in a shmedium shirt (as my brother-in-law Kevin says). We lose remotes, phones and baby items on a daily basis.
Exhibit C.
The Next.
Courtesy of the Cat once again. Having sufficiently broken the couch's spirit on one arm, she is not attempting the double amputee. I feel we should have named this poor couch Eeyore for the sad and depressed state that we've allowed it to fall into. "Thanks for noticing me".
Exhibit D.
What you can't see in pictures. This couch was olive green. It is now the color of olives that have been rolled and stomped in mud. Additionally there was a perfect cat-sized gap between the railing behind the couch that Cosby frequently walked and left a perfect trail of cat hair along. Finally, somewhere in one of our moves we must have lost the back two legs of the couch and it tilted the couch back.
Now you can see why we are so excited to have this awesome sectional from Su Casa. Not only is it way nicer looking, it is much more functional for our current needs right now. In short, getting this new couch from Su Casa is like going from dating Steve Buscemi to Ryan Gosling. Sigh...Ryan Gosling.
Su Casa, if you could also deliver Ryan Gosling to my door and set him up in my living room I would appreciate it.
Su Casa, if you could also deliver Ryan Gosling to my door and set him up in my living room I would appreciate it.
12 comments:
Your couch is nasty. And Cosby is scary. Olivia is amazing. And Ryan Gosling, there are not even words. Thanks for your post :)
Lol...oh, my. Well, I will say, the new couch is a definite upgarde. Maybe Cosby just didn't like the old one? He was just trying to help you out. Just think how much he has done to demonstrate your need for a new couch ;)
In your story of Cosby you forgot to mention that you can be petting her one moment and removing her from your face the next. She loves to lure you in and then attack when you are at your weakest moment.
If I had known all these stories before I don't know if I would have sat on that old couch. Sounds like the new one was much needed.
Just watched Crazy Stupid Love last night, ummm....Yum! Good comparison! ;)
I think that Ryan Gosling would be a perfect ornament for your gorgeous Su Casa couch...
wow, poor Eeyore. You guys are definitely in need of a new couch!! If Ryan Gosling is delivered, please let me know!!
Jamie, I could swear that is the same grey couch Bob and I had when we had our first apartment. We left it at the dumpster outside of our complex in New Jersey.... could it be ? Where is it now ? I wanna tell Steph where to find it.
I second Katie! Tell me when Ryan Gosling has been delivered ;-)
Yeah, your old couch could do with updating, and WOW is the Su Casa one a great improvement! I want one!
Sheila
Ohhhh my Gosling. If this doesn't win you the couch, nothing will.
Great Story about the old couch! Very well written and thanks for taking some of the stress off of your elders; it's comforting to know that we aren't the only ones in the family with a wicked sense of humor.. and,well,i guess we now aren't even the funniest either...
On the few days that it has been hot i have been lounging on my Loveseat made by xxxxxx Furniture and throwing my legs over the armrest, not the most comfortable but it is directly over my ceiling fan. I now have a permanent dent in the arm and sagging material because the foam did not bounce back. Crotchety old sofa foam has lost its memory. Obvious now that I should either have used marshmallows or gone to Su Casa.
If I had known about a new couch contest, I surely have a couch to rival yours. I have a couch on life support that I have surgically repaired from dogs chewing, but somehow cannot get the puke stains and smells out of, not to mention the juice, food and milk that contiues to pour over it, even though no food or beverage is allowed on it!!
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